


How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)

by plantbaby987



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, James Potter is a sweetheart, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Pining Sirius Black, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, University, jily, lots of feelings, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:42:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28820178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantbaby987/pseuds/plantbaby987
Summary: The Marauders are in their final year at Bristol University, and Remus comes back with some news. Cue lots of laughter, tears, drinking, rugby matches, parties, smoking, general uni shenanigans, and most of all, lots of love.Slow-ish burn wolfstar, with jily and dorlene too (I'm a sucker for romance).COVID-free world because I’m sick of it, and want to pretend life is somewhat going normally :)
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the first chapter ! I started writing another fic under this title, but deleted it bc I wasn't happy with the story line I'd created, so this is totally new. This first chapter is a rough one, please please take care of yourselves. I don't want to spoil this for those who haven't read it yet, but if you need a content warning please check the end notes before reading (I'll put CWs in top notes in following chapters, this one is just a major plot point for me).
> 
> I hope you enjoy it! I've really enjoyed writing this, can't wait to hear from you all ! - B x

**Saturday 5th September 2020**

* * *

The journey back to university wasn’t long, just a nip down the M5 from his father’s home in Cheltenham, but every mile they drove, Remus felt himself wishing the minutes would stretch out to hours, days, weeks. He hadn’t felt this sort of anxiety going to university since he was a fresher 2 years ago, but now it was taking all his efforts not to panic and yell at his father to turn the car around. He knew he was being irrational, and he’d be fine as soon as he stepped into his house he shared with all his friends, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to curl up in the passenger seat and never leave his dad. As they were pulling into the quiet sideroad, he could feel his breath quickening and getting shallower. He faintly heard his father saying something about going home, he didn’t have to do the year, everyone would understand, but Remus brushed him off and got out the car, his keys tight in his shaking hands. He heard the familiar hum of Bristol and the murmur of laughing voices wafting through the open front door and relaxed slightly. He was fine, he could do it, he’d be surrounded by his friends, everything was going to be okay. He could feel Lyall Lupin’s worried eyes on the back of his head but ignored him.

Just as he made his first steps up the path to their new house, a familiar figure came bounding down the stairs, rushing out to greet him.

‘Moony! You’re here, you’re here, you’re here! Prongs, get out here you lazy bugger, our Moony’s here!’ Sirius’ arms flew around Remus’ neck, and Remus could feel his worries and anxieties about the year dissipating as he clung tightly to his best friend.

‘Come on then, Dad, I’ll be okay,’ he said, hauling a couple of bags onto his shoulders and making his way inside. Lyall’s eyes were full of unshed tears, but he followed his son and his friends inside and up the stairs, his thoughts racing with concern. They greeted the Potters and waved at Lily’s parents who were heading next door, and dumped Remus’ suitcases unceremoniously onto the floor of his new bedroom.

‘You’ll be alright, son?’ he asked tentatively, embracing Remus in a tight hug. ‘It’s been a tough summer, and I won’t blame you one bit if you decide tomorrow that you want to come home. Just give me a ring anytime and I’ll come and get you. I don’t want you to think you have to do this, I-’

‘Dad, really, I’ll be okay. You can stop fussing, and yes, I’ll call you, and yes, I’ll be careful, and yes, I’ll make sure to talk to someone if I feel like crap. But really, Dad, Mum would have-’ he broke off as James and Sirius came bumbling into the room, laughing excitedly about being back in the city, with the gang all back together. They fussed over Remus, hugging him like they’d been separated for years, not just the two short months of the summer, and immediately they were yakking about all the fun they would have this year, all the parties they’d hold, and how very much they’d missed Remus this summer.

‘I’ve been so lonely without you, Moons, James here has been a boring old fucker all summer,’ Sirius whined, but James cut him off.

‘I’m sorry, just because you’ve been lazing about in bed all day while I’ve been working! Rem, don’t listen to him, he’s been moaning all summer about getting the gang back together, but you can shut it now Pads, we’re all here and I’m fed up with your moaning.’ The boys laughed as Sirius tackled James on the bed, shouting about him being a traitor, and Remus knew that he really would be okay, back with his best friends, all celebrating their final year of university. The Potters came in from James’ room across the corridor, Fleamont chuckling at the boys catching up on the bed and grasping Lyall’s hand in a firm shake.

‘Lyall, dear, how about some lunch with Monty and me?’ Euphemia asked kindly, half shouting aver the sound of James and Sirius bickering. ‘We’ll leave the boys to get sorted, I think Lily’s parents might join too. We’ll have a good old catch up. Come on you idiot boys,’ she sighed turning towards them. ‘Leave lovely Remus to settle in, we can’t have him regretting living with you so quickly.’ She bustled them out the room and turned to Lyall. ‘We’ll just be downstairs, love.’

Remus looked at his father as they all left the room, James and Sirius still bickering down the corridor. ‘I’ll be okay Dad, really, I will,’ his voice was steady, but Lyall could see the tears pooling in his son’s amber eyes.

‘Call me if you need _anything_ , son, I’ll be here in an instant,’ he said, wrapping Remus in a tight hug. They stood there for a moment, when he whispered, ‘She loved you more than anything, you know that son. She loved you so, _so_ much, and I know she misses you too. I love you, Remy. Please be careful this year.’

Remus held on a little tighter and allowed himself a small cry. ‘I love you too, Dad. So much. I promise I’ll be okay,’ he hastily wiped his eyes and untangled himself from his dad with a small smile.

The afternoon passed in a haze of unpacking and laughter. Marlene and Dorcas arrived after lunch and Lily nearly tipped them over as she ran out to hug them, leading them to their house. Peter and Mary arrived too at some point in the afternoon, enormous bags in tow. Remus was well and truly distracted, having successfully dodged the topic of his holiday, and he felt happier than he had been in months surrounded by his favourite people.

Before the boys headed to the supermarket in the early evening, they unanimously agreed that cooking was out of the question that evening, and that the girls would join them. Instead, Sirius picked up nearly enough alcohol to provide for a small village while Remus ordered 8 pizzas outside the shop, and James gathered all the trimmings for breakfast tomorrow. They decided to leave a proper food shop for the next day, all that was needed tonight was beer and crisps. Grabbing a couple of bars of Lindt dark chocolate Remus made his way to the till with the boys, and they joked with the middle-aged woman and the checkout.

* * *

It was the perfect first evening together in their new house. They laughed and joked like they had done for years now, sprawled across the sofas and the floor in the sitting room, a film abandoned on the television on the wall. They feasted on pizzas and crisps, drinking and talking and grinning from ear to ear. James and Sirius regaled them all with tales from boarding school, which they’d all heard hundreds of times, but would always enjoy. Marlene and Dorcas talked animatedly about their summer together, a holiday in Greece, and how they’d finally got their act together after summer’s exams and got together. Lily complained about her sister Petunia’s new walrus of a boyfriend, and they split their sides laughing at her impression of the gruff, middle-class bigot he’d met visiting Lily over the summer. Mary told them all about her time in Jamaica visiting her grandparents, and they cooed over pictures of her and her new boyfriend on the beautiful beaches of the Caribbean. Remus couldn’t help but notice the furtive looks shared between Lily and James throughout the evening and smiled softly when Sirius flung his legs over his lap. He was distracted by Peter talking about some girl he’d met on the beach in Dorset, when Marlene looked up at Remus, her head in Dorcas’ lap.

‘Hey, Rem, you haven’t told us what you did this summer – did you have fun? I can’t remember if you said you’d be in Wales or Cheltenham this year.’

Remus looked down at the beer bottle his lap and played with the label, peeling bits of nervously. He could feel seven pairs of eyes watching him expectantly and felt his breath catch slightly. He was silent for a moment, and then he spoke.

‘My mum died this summer. Car accident. And Fen broke up with me at her funeral. Said he didn’t want to stick around while I mope for weeks on end, and that he wanted to have some fun with his mates over the summer. Didn’t want me holding him back, apparently. I guess he couldn’t cope with having a charity case for a boyfriend while his friends were all off at the beach. So, he left.’

He looked up at them all, and stood quickly, shoving Sirius’ legs from his lap, a flush growing on his cheeks. ‘I’m going for a smoke,’ he muttered, as he picked up his lighter from the table and nearly ran out the back door. He felt his breath leaving him as he slumped against the wall outside, and lit a cigarette with shaking hands, trying to regain control of his lungs. He hadn’t meant for it all to come spilling out like that, he wanted to tell them all sober, and properly. Hope deserved that. He faintly heard everyone inside, and knew they were all talking about him.

* * *

‘I’m going after him,’ Sirius got up, heading towards the door. He felt a hand around his wrist and turned towards James.

‘Don’t, Pads, just- just let him be for a minute, he doesn’t want you bumbling out there chatting shit while he’s going through this. Help me tidy up.’

‘Well, I guess we should go home, girls, it’s been a long day,’ Lily said to the group, turning towards the door. ‘Make sure he’s alright, yeah Sirius? You know he only ever listens to you. And we'll be back for breakfast tomorrow.’

The others followed her out, and Sirius and James stumbled half-drunk around the kitchen, tidying empty beer bottles and pizza boxes into the recycling. James headed along the corridor and up the stairs, calling to Sirius.

‘Don’t make him feel worse, Pads, you know what you’re like. Text me if you need anything.’

Remus heard footsteps coming through the kitchen to the back door, and only just got his breathing under control when Sirius stepped outside to join him.

‘I don’t need your pity, Pads, I’m fine,’ he muttered under his breath, not turning around to look at him.

‘I’m not here to pity you,’ Sirius sat down next to him, leaning against the wall, their knees brushing against each other. ‘I’m here for a smoke and to get drunk.’

He handed Remus a bottle of whiskey, and he took a long swig, still refusing to look Sirius in the eye. Passing the bottle back, he lit a cigarette for Sirius and took a long drag on his own. They sat quietly for a while, staring into their tiny, overgrown garden, enjoying the last of the summer evening warmth. They let the familiar hum of Bristol traffic and the sounds of student partygoers wash over them and let themselves enjoy being back in their favourite city. Sirius never pushed him to talk, just let them sit quietly until Remus was ready.

‘Fen’s a cunt,’ Remus laughed bitterly, and looked over at Sirius.

‘A massive tosser,’ he laughed along with Remus, glad to hear his best friend still had some sort of sense of humour. ‘He’s a fucking prick, you’re well shot of him. Two years is too long to waste your time with a wanker like that.’

Remus laughed at that, nodding and taking another long drag on his cigarette. He could tell Sirius wanted to talk more, but he didn’t know if he could get the words out, as he felt tears welling up behind his eyes.

Sirius glanced at him, and then back towards the garden. ‘Will you tell me about her?’ he asked tentatively. ‘I mean, I know I met her loads of times, but I always liked your mum, she was cool. I don’t think there was a vicious bone in lovely Hope’s body. I mean, of course you don’t have to, I just thought-’

Remus cut him off with a wave of his hand. ‘No, I- I want to. I just… don’t know if I can. Just give me a minute.’ He felt hot tears begin to flow down his cheeks now and took a few steadying breaths before looking at Sirius.

‘She was everything,’ his voice broke when he started to speak. Pausing, he took a couple of swigs of whiskey and lit a new cigarette. Tears were now streaming freely down his face, but he didn’t care. He carried on; voice much steadier than he’d expected. Sirius listened intently, wanting to take in every single word, like he was memorising Remus’ mother.

‘She was the best mum I could have asked for. Always. She used to tell me the most amazing stories putting me to bed. I remember one, my favourite, like it was yesterday. She was telling this story about wizards and dragons and magic and I remember thinking it was just the _best thing_ … She was so passionate, about _everything_ , there was nothing she didn’t know. She taught me about all the creatures we found in the rockpools at Porthcawl, all the different types of crabs, and tiny fish. There was one summer, when I was, I don’t know, eight maybe? We walked along the cliff edge and lay down in the grass and she was telling me about all the clouds we could see, giving them names and life stories. And she told me about the moon and the stars and the planets… She was so clever. So clever. She used to sing to me, too. We’d sit down at the piano, and I’d bumble along, pretending I knew the words, and she never minded that I sound like a cat being thrown against the wall when I sang. She had the voice of an angel, and she was so beautiful. And so kind, and so lovely…' he trailed off for a moment. 

'She didn’t even bat an eyelid when I came out. I remember it so clearly. She was asking me about the girls in sixth form, and whether I had anyone special, teasing me. And I burst into tears and just stared at her and whispered _I’m gay, Mum_ , like it was something to be ashamed of, and she just gave me a hug and asked about the boys at school instead. And even though she and Dad had barely spoken since I was 10, I remember hearing her on the phone at Dad’s when I came out to him. He’d called her up, I don’t really know why, and I could hear her yelling down the phone that if he treated me any different that he’d be hearing from her lawyer for full custody… She loved all of you, too. She thought James was wonderful and kept telling me how polite and well brought up he was. She loved how intelligent Lily and Marls are, and said Dorcas and Mary are going to change the world. She liked Pete, too. Maybe not as much, he always has been a bit of an odd one… But _you_ were her favourite. She thought you were so funny and so lovely. She wouldn’t stop banging on about you after you all came back to mine for New Years in first year. She would go on and on about you, it sort of drove me mad. She was right though, of course… I loved her so much. She was my favourite person.’

He stopped for a moment and looked down. Sirius’ hand had made its way into Remus’ and they gripped tightly to each other, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Remus pulled out another cigarette before he stood up, dragging Sirius up with him. He’d stopped crying now, but his eyes were still glassy as he stared at his best friend.

‘I was there when she died.’

He spoke so quietly that Sirius almost thought he’d imagined it, but he let Remus carry on.

‘We were on the way back from Nan’s and this bloke just pulled out at the wrong time. Dodgy exit, I guess, but he slammed right into us. Right into Mum. It was instant. I think I’m glad it was really, it bloody hurt being stitched up,’ he chuckled quietly and looked down. When he looked back into Sirius’ eyes, both boys were crying. ‘I’m okay, really, just a few scratches. But… yeah, she’d gone before the paramedics arrived, they couldn’t bring her back. The other guy was fine, too, couple of broken bones… I’d have felt even more guilty if he’d gone, too, anyway.’

Sirius pulled him into a tight hug, stroking his hair gently. ‘Don’t you _dare_ feel guilty,’ he whispered into his jumper. ‘I won’t have you blaming yourself for this, promise me. _Please_ , promise me you won’t twist yourself into thinking _any_ of this is your fault. It’s shit, it’s _utter crap_ but you cannot blame yourself.’ He was looking directly into Remus’ eyes now, holding him gently at the shoulders. ‘ _Promise me_ , Re.’

He nodded and smiled softly at Sirius. ‘I promise, Pads. Sorry… for dumping all this on you, I-’

‘Don’t you dare apologise, Moons, I’m always going to be here for you. _Always_ ,’ he looked up again into Remus’ glassy eyes, and saw the tiredness etched around his face. ‘Let’s get you to bed, yeah?’

They tiptoed upstairs so as not to wake James and Peter, and winced as the noise of the bathroom fan counteracted their efforts to be quiet. Giggling and exhausted, they brushed their teeth and made their way to bed. Sirius found some aspirin and put them on Remus’ bedside table with a pint-glass of water, before he turned to leave.

‘Wait, Pads,’ he heard quietly behind him, and glanced around. ‘Don’t… will you stay? Please?’

‘Of course, Re, I’ll just get changed.’ He came back a minute later, and clambered into bed beside Remus, already fast asleep, and wrapped his arms around him, noticing just how small Remus seemed that evening, despite his towering frame. Sirius fell into a peaceful sleep, thinking that Remus was the strongest person he’d ever met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: death of Remus' mother, and some strong language. 
> 
> Grief Helplines:  
> UK: 0808 808 1677  
> US: 800-445-4808  
> Australia: 1800 551 800
> 
> I'm sorry I can't include all numbers here, if you need any help, or a number added, please don't hesitate to reach out. I'm always here.
> 
> Please take care of yourselves, I know this is a tough one, but it will get better, I promise ! Any comments/advice would be greatly appreciated !


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breakfast with the Marauders and the girls next door, and enjoying the last weeks of summer. Remus slips into some pretty bad habits to cope with losing his mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're anything like me, you hate unfinished works, so I'm going to try and get the next few chapters out as quickly as possible, but I don't want to rush, so please be patient :)
> 
> Some heavy things going on here, please be kind to yourselves.
> 
> TW: strong language, alcohol abuse, depression

**Sunday 6 th September 2020**

Remus woke early, his head pounding. He’d had the best night’s sleep since his mother died in July, practically knocked out cold from the alcohol. He was half shocked and half relieved Sirius was there, an arm loosely wrapped around Remus’ waist – had he asked him to stay? Remus could hardly remember the night before, just flashes of the two boys sitting on the hard patio outside. He faintly remembered talking about his mother. An odd sensation flooded Remus in the pit of his stomach. Surely, he was imagining it, they can’t really have been holding hands. They had always had a tactile friendship, sitting closely on the sofa, curling up together to watch a film, Sirius’ feet resting in his lap, but the boys were all strangely close with each other. There was a new intimacy in holding hands, however, something they’d never really shared before.

Selfishly, Remus felt himself craving Sirius’ touch again, and felt a swooping in his chest he hadn’t felt in a long time. He shook away the feeling and pushed it deep down, gingerly crawling out from under Sirius’ embrace so as not to wake him. It was early, but there was no way he’d be getting back to sleep now, not with his mind speeding along at 100 miles an hour.

Remus pulled a soft jumper on over his pyjamas and stared groggily into the early morning gloom of his bedroom. His gaze landed on Sirius still sleeping soundly in his bed and marvelled at Sirius’ ability to sleep through almost anything. He remembered fondly a moment in first year when the fire alarms had sounded at 3am in their halls, and he and James had practically dragged Sirius unconscious out of the building.

Snapping out of his reverie at the soft click of the front door, and his pounding headache returning with a vengeance, Remus gulped down a couple of aspirin and made his way down to the kitchen.

James had somehow just been for an early morning run, and looked as healthy as ever, while Remus felt (and looked) like an anvil had been dropped on his head. He had never quite understood how James was quite so impervious to hangovers; it was as though he was genetically incapable of experiencing them, despite being perhaps the heaviest drinker of them all, bar Sirius.

‘Morning Moony!’ he grinned as Remus stumbled into the kitchen. ‘Sleep well? I’m just making a coffee, fancy any?’

Remus gaped at him like he had two heads and slumped into a chair. ‘How the _fuck_ are you so cheery Prongs? And please for the love of everything sacred, keep your voice down, it sounds like there’s a heard of bloody buffalo charging round my brain… but yes, coffee now, please,’ he groaned, head in his hands.

James simply chuckled and slid a steaming mug across the table, earning a muffled ‘cheers’ in response. ‘How are you doing then, Moons? Despite the raging hangover, of course.’

Remus looked up with a small smile, ‘Feeling rotten, really, but that’s probably just the whiskey talking.’ He let his head fall back down and twisted his hands around his cup to stop them shaking. ‘Sorry for ruining the mood last night, I… I didn’t really mean for it to slip out like that. I sort of planned on telling everyone today, you know, sober…’ he chuckled and glanced back at James, who had an unusually sad look on his face.

He was just about to apologise again, when James stood quickly and wrapped his arms softly around Remus’ shoulders. ‘Really, James, I’m fine, thanks mate,’ he tried to shrug him off, but James held tighter. ‘Okay really Prongs, if you squeeze me any tighter, I’ll hurl!’

James released him and answered a soft knock at the door. Lily came trudging in with Marlene and Dorcas trailing groggily behind. They joined the boys at the table, Marlene and Dorcas either side of Remus and Lily as far from James as possible. Remus looked at her quizzically and raised an eyebrow when he caught a flush creeping up her neck when he caught her sneak a look over at James, who looked equally sheepish. Remus said nothing as he nursed his coffee but smiled to himself.

The girls began a long tirade about how little they wanted lectures to start again, and they had all better make the most of the next three weeks of freedom. Mary joined them half an hour later, coming through the front door without knocking. They chatted amicably for a while, Remus noting that none of them brought up his mum, clearly waiting for him to mention her first.

At about 10:30 they heard a crash from upstairs, Lily nearly jumping out her seat.

‘Ow buggering fuck, I swear to fucking God, whoever put that _fucking_ -’ Sirius’ dulcet morning tones drifted down to the kitchen, followed by another loud thud. ‘Trou de cul, je pense que j’ai cassé ma putain de cheville. _James!_ Help me you bastard, you’re the fucking medical student, make yourself fucking _useful!_ ’

James was bent double with laughter, tears streaming down his face, and shook his head like a madman when Sirius hobbled in dramatically.

‘Sit down you stupid prick and shut up, my head hurts,’ Remus sighed, grinning equally wide as James, motioning to the chair opposite him.

‘If you hadn’t left all your fucking books right outside your bedroom door, I wouldn’t have bloody tripped’ he stopped suddenly, and glared at Marlene, who was struggling to hold back fits of giggles. ‘ _Move_ , Marls,’ he said with a half-hearted growl. He slumped down into her seat, softly placing a hand on Remus’ thigh, who felt a flush spread across his cheeks. Sirius grabbed the half-empty mug of cold coffee from him, downing it.

‘Morning then Padfoot, sleep well I take it?’ James looked incredulously at the closeness between Remus and Sirius, still struggling to hold back his laughter.

‘How the fuck are you all so bloody cheerful in the morning, it’s Sunday for Christ’s sake!’ he moaned. No one noticed him leaning just that little bit closer into Remus’ side, as James stood to make breakfast.

‘Will someone go and get Pete, the lazy bastard, he won’t want to miss my fry-up,’ his head in the fridge looking for the eggs, just as Peter waddled into the kitchen.

‘Who’re you calling a lazy bastard then James?’ he muttered grumpily. ‘Just because you like torturing yourself by getting up early… oi, Moony, you’re here!’

‘Yes, Peter, I live here,’ Remus laughed, looking confused. ‘Would you rather I was next door at the girls’?’

‘Nah you know, just thought, what with last night-’

‘What about last night?’ Sirius cut him off sharply, his grip on Remus’ thigh tightening. ‘Come on then, Wormy, spit it out, what about last night?’

‘Well… you know, what- what with everything you said about your mum, I just- I don’t know I thought, maybe, you’d be embarrassed, you know I would be if I was dumped at a funeral…’

Sirius and James looked furious, the girls sharing a few awkward looks. ‘Why should I be embarrassed Pete?’ he said, an eerie calmness to his words. ‘Is it embarrassing to have a dead mother? Or to have your boyfriend break up with you at said dead mother’s funeral? Or maybe you think it’s embarrassing that I had to be drunk to tell you all. Like it hasn’t been _shit_ enough,’ his voice was rising at an alarming rate. ‘Do you think I didn’t tell you all summer because I was _embarrassed_? No, Pete, I’m fucking angry. I wasn’t embarrassed to see my mother die right before my eyes and then spend a week in hospital, but I am embarrassed for you, _dickhead_.’

He made a sudden move like he was about to lunge at Peter, but turned sharply back to the others, his hand finding Sirius’ and gripping tightly, tears springing to his eyes.

There was deafening silence for a moment, when James spoke up, fuming. ‘Girls, do you mind getting started on breakfast? Pettigrew, a word.’

He stormed out the kitchen, grabbing Peter by his shoulder, and into the hallway. ‘How _fucking_ dare you Peter, don’t you think he’s been through enough? James hissed, still gripping Peter’s shoulder. ‘Absolutely nothing about this is embarrassing, apart from your shitty behaviour. You will go in there, and apologise for your fucking insensitivity, or so help me God you’ll be finding somewhere else to live this year.’ He took a few deep breaths, calming down slightly. ‘Sorry for shouting Pete, that was… sorry,’ he muttered, dropping his hold on Peter. ‘Please, just think before you say things like that, okay?’

James headed back to the kitchen, Peter following sheepishly behind. The girls were looking for a frying pan and some plates in all the boxes of kitchenware James had moved in the day before, while Sirius and Remus sat, heads together, in quiet conversation.

Remus stood quickly as he saw Peter come back. ‘I’m so sorry, Pete, I didn’t mean to shout, you know it’s just been…’

‘It’s okay, Moony,’ Peter muttered, staring at the floor. ‘I, um, sorry, I shouldn’t have said that…’

‘It’s fine, Pete, let’s just forget about it, yeah? Enjoy our last month of freedom,’ he laughed quietly, and sat back down next to Sirius, their knees brushing slightly, hands coming together like the most natural thing in the world. ‘I’m… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you all, you know, when it happened,’ he whispered. ‘I just- uh, it was tricky… to bring up. So, I just didn’t. Sorry, you all should have known, I should’ve had the balls to tell you… didn’t want to ruin your summers like I ruined Fen’s, I guess…’

‘Don’t be ridiculous Moony, you know you can tell us anything, anytime,’ James said gently. ‘We’re here for you, yeah? If you want to get drunk and beat something up, you know we’ll be your punching bags, or I don’t know, we’ll all go and have a scream on the bridge and scare the locals. Whatever you need, Moony.’

Remus laughed quietly and wiped his nose on his sleeve, sniffing. ‘Thanks, James, everyone. Really, I’m sorry, I promise I won’t be quite so depressing for the rest of the year.’

‘Don’t be silly, Rem, you could never be more depressing than Sirius when he’s woken up before 9am. Let’s have some breakfast, then,’ Lily said cheerily, ‘who’s for a cuppa? And who wants an egg with their bacon sarnie?’

The rest of the morning passed much more smoothly, the friends sharing a greasy breakfast and gossiping about the people on their courses. Marlene had a few choice words to say about one of her lecturers (‘He’s a sexist fucking pig! I can’t wait to tell him we’re fucking Dorky, imagine the look on his ugly face!’), and Lily told them about some kid called Lockhart in her lab last year who thought he was the shit, but was ‘as idiotic as a fucking plank’. They laughed and joked as they had done for the past two years, taking the piss out of James for his early morning runs, and out of Pete for, well, everything. Nobody mentioned the looks shared between James and Lily, or that Remus and Sirius never once dropped the other’s hand.

‘Who fancies a walk up to the Downs this evening?’ Mary asked, helping clean up after their breakfast. ‘I want to get some wine and we can have a picnic or something?’ There were seven murmurs of agreement, and the girls headed back next door to finish unpacking and leave the boys to a raucous game of FIFA. The days were much like this for the next few weeks – they would come together for breakfast, normally at the boys’, then the girls would go home for the afternoon, and they’d all walk up to the hills for the evening, having barbeques and picnics, or going out dancing, drinking and smoking and laughing.

Remus knew he’d never been so happy and simultaneously so lonely. He adored his friends and began the semester by throwing himself into everything they did with so much enthusiasm and love it was ridiculous. But he couldn’t help going to sleep every night thinking about how sad he really was. He missed Fenrir. He missed the consistency and support from being in a relationship, no matter how broken he knew he and Fen had been even in the months before the end. He couldn’t help but feel guilty – he was surrounded by so many people who loved him. Why was he missing someone he knew couldn’t care less? And why was he missing his ex-boyfriend more than he felt he was missing his dead mother?

By the time lectures were about to start for the beginning of the year, at the end of September, Remus had buried himself in a new destructive routine. He would make a very brief appearance at breakfast with his friends, after having woken up late with yet another hangover. He’d drink about a litre of coffee and chain-smoke outside while his friends ate a real breakfast. When the girls went home, and James, Sirius and Peter would play a game of FIFA or get started on some reading for university, Remus would go for a long walk around Bristol, stopping at Spoons for a pint and a smoke at lunch time. He holed himself away in his bedroom in the afternoons with the excuse of doing some work, ignoring the mountain of books for his English degree he hadn’t read over the summer. When it came to the evenings, Remus would eat as little as possible to line his stomach, and drink through the night. They would go to a club in town, after much persuasion from Remus, and if they didn’t want to go, Remus would drink alone in his bedroom. He had a string of dodgy one-night stands, fucking anyone available in dingy night club bathrooms or in sketchy alleyways outside. And he would crawl home at the end of the night, sometimes vomiting loudly into the loo, and crash into bed and another dreamless sleep, only to repeat the same day over and over.

It took a while for his friends to notice how much he was suffering. For the first few weeks, Remus always made sure to plaster a smile on his face, lightening any dreary moods with a joke, or a funny story, and whenever they asked if he was okay, he’d repeat the same thing.

‘Of course, I’m okay, we’re back in Bristol! I just want to have some _fun_ before we all get back to the grind of uni in a few weeks. Don’t worry about me!’

And they believed him. Not because he was being particularly convincing, but because Remus never lied. Sure, sometimes he hid the truth, or avoided things, but he had never outright lied to them. It wasn’t until the first few days of October that the boys knew just how big Remus’ lies had become, when they found him on the bathroom floor, passed out in his own vomit on a Thursday morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sirius' French:  
> Trou de cul, je pense que j’ai cassé ma putain de cheville. - Arsehole, I think I've broken my fucking ankle.
> 
> Next chapter will deal with depression and some dark stuff, I didn't really realise quite how rough this would get. Look after each other <3 As always, please leaven comments/concerns/advice - B x


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 3 ! Enjoy pals, it starts rough but I promise there's good things coming.
> 
> TWs: alcohol abuse, depression, allusions to su*cide, strong language
> 
> Asa always, any comments/concerns/advice are greatly appreciated - B x

**Thursday 1 st October**

Sirius woke early on Thursday, kicking himself that he’d agreed to go for a run before lectures with James. He had finally given in to James’ pestering that had begun over the summer, as he thought if he didn’t get it over with soon, it would be far too cold in the next few weeks to cope with more and more persuasion. Hopefully, he thought, James would realise his mistake of forcing Sirius out of bed before 10am when he didn’t technically have anywhere to be, and James would never ask again after having to deal with constant moaning for the entire run.

Sirius grumbled and got out of bed, wincing at the cold, and stumbled towards the bathroom, muttering under his breath. ‘I’m gonna make you fucking pay for this, Prongs, this is basically torture…’ he stopped when he reached the bathroom and whined at the locked door. ‘James, I swear to God if you’re going to make me run with you, at least let me into the bathroom!’

He had only realised how loud he’d shouted when Peter called back from his bedroom, ‘Shut the fuck up, Padfoot, let me bloody sleep!’ and James poked his head around his bedroom door.

‘What are you shouting about now, Pads? I’m the one waiting for you!’

Sirius stared grumpily at James, then back at the bathroom door. ‘Moony, get your arse out of there!’ Pounding on the door, he called again, ‘Re, mate, are you alright in there?’

Silence filled the corridor, and James and Sirius shared a worried look.

‘Are you sure he’s actually in there?’ Pete called, still half-asleep. ‘Either way, shut it, I don’t have to be up for another two hours.’

‘James, check his room,’ Sirius was filled with anxiety. Why couldn’t Remus hear them? Surely, he’d have called out if he was in the bathroom, he wouldn’t ignore them, right?

James turned back after poking his head around Remus’ bedroom door, a solemn look on his face. ‘Try the door again, Pads, he must be in there.’

Sirius slammed his shoulder into the door, with more strength than he knew he had, and broke the lock. He felt a chill flood down his spine as he saw Remus’ pale body slumped gracelessly on the bathroom tiles, a pool of vomit near his head and blood at his hands. He felt his knees give way as James gasped behind him, and he collapsed to the floor whispering for Remus to wake up.

‘Peter, call an ambulance, I don’t care about your beauty sleep anymore,’ James ordered shakily. ‘Pads, mate, get up, you need to help me with him.’ Sirius could hear the catch in his voice, no matter how well James tried to hide it. They manoeuvred him out of the pool of sick, and James fussed with a flannel in the sink to clean him up, then passing it to Sirius. ‘Stay here with him, I’m going to call the girls… I- He’ll be okay, Pads, it’s not like last time. He’s going to be okay.’

James’ hands shook violently trying to find Lily’s contact in his phone. _This isn’t Regulus, it’s not the same, Remus is going to be fine_ , he chanted over and over in his head as the phone rang.

‘Potter? What the fuck, it’s like 6am, prick,’ Lily muttered grumpily when she answered.

‘Lily, um- sorry, I need your help,’ James said quickly, trying to hide the panic in his voice. ‘It’s Remus, he’s… just wake the girls and get over here okay? We need you here.’

‘James, what’s going on?’ Lily asked nervously. ‘What’s happened, is Remus okay?’

‘Just… please, I’ll explain when you get here, I- I’m sorry, for waking you, Lily.’

* * *

Lily, Marlene, Dorcas and Mary stepped out of their front door just as the paramedics came out of the boys’ house, Remus half-conscious on a stretcher, heading towards an ambulance.

‘Remus!’ Marlene near screeched. ‘James, what the fuck happened, what’s going on? Where are they taking him?’

James looked exhausted, practically carrying Sirius, who looked ashen and shaky. ‘Hi, morning, good you’re all dressed. If you want to come to the hospital, get in the car, I’m driving,’ he said quickly, turning to Sirius. ‘Are you sure you’ll be alright travelling with him alone?’ he gripped Sirius by the shoulders, looking into his stormy eyes. ‘I can ask one of the girls to come with you, if you like? We’re going to be right behind you, either way… He’s not Reg. He’s going to be okay.’

Sirius nodded slightly and clambered in the back of the ambulance, worrying his lip and reaching out for Remus’s hand. James turned back and called into the house, ‘Wormtail, can you grab some pyjamas and things for Moony? And his toothbrush, please? And grab my wallet from my desk for a cab after your lecture, yeah?’

He and the girls got into his beat-up old Clio and followed the ambulance down their quiet residential road. They were quiet for a moment, until they got onto the main road.

‘What happened, James?’ Mary asked tentatively. ‘Is Remus okay?’

‘I don’t really know,’ James started quietly, trying to focus on driving. ‘Well, you know… he’s been drinking a lot lately. We thought it was just a last hurrah before third year, just a bit of fun, but I guess not… I think he went out last night, I didn’t really hear him leave or come home, though. Man, this is a mess…’

‘Did Sirius find him, then?’ Dorcas said behind him.

‘Yeah, um… he was on the bathroom floor,’ James’ voice shook nervously. ‘He… he was covered in vomit, and- and blood…’ He could feel tears springing behind his eyes and shook his head. He vaguely registered Lily reaching out to place a hand on his thigh. ‘I don’t know what happened, I don’t know how I missed it… I should have been there for him, should’ve fucking realised… especially after-’ he stopped abruptly and stared straight ahead.

‘James,’ Lily started. ‘None of this is your fault. You know that, right? None of us noticed… you can’t be blaming yourself, okay?’ James nodded, and gripped her hand, eyes still on the road ahead. They drove the rest of the way in nervous silence, James getting increasingly irritated as the traffic lights took what felt like hours to change to green.

* * *

Sirius held tight to Remus’ hand, listening to the strange words he was whispering, half-awake, half still drunk.

‘Mae’n ddrwg gen i, Mam, rydw i’n dy golli di, mae’n ddrwg gen I, mae’n ddrwg gen i…’

‘What’s he saying? Is he okay?’ Sirius stared anxiously at the paramedic working in the back of the ambulance.

‘Sounds like Welsh, but I don’t know dear. I’m sure you can ask him as soon as he wakes up,’ she fussed with something Sirius couldn’t see. ‘Tell me about him, is he your boyfriend?’ she asked kindly, in an attempt to calm him down.

‘My boyfriend? Why would you think that?’ Sirius nearly laughed, still gripping Remus’ hand, and pushing down the completely non-platonic feelings he’d had for Remus recently.

‘Oh, I’m sorry for assuming love, you just seem very close,’ she looked embarrassed.

‘No, he’s my best friend… almost-’ Sirius stopped, then whispered, ‘almost my brother…’ All he could see swimming in front of his eyes was the image of Regulus on the cold, hard floor of the bathroom in the Black house, in much the same position Remus had been in. Except his little brother was already dead when Sirius had found him over the Christmas holidays of his last year of school with James. He remembered his parents finding him screaming at Regulus to wake up. _‘This is your fault, he’s dead because of you!’_ He could still hear their ice-cold voices, screaming at him over his brother’s lifeless body. He couldn’t get the image out of his brain. He felt his breath quickening as the ambulance pulled into the hospital, and he faintly heard the paramedic’s voice as they stepped out.

‘I’m afraid you won’t be able to come in with us just yet, love. But you can wait inside for your friends, in A&E.’

He nodded, only slightly taking in what the woman had said, and made his way inside. His breath was coming in desperate pants, and his vision was going blurry as he sat down in one of the horrid plastic chairs, knees weak and head heavy.

‘Jamie, where are you?’ he heard himself whisper into the quiet waiting room. ‘I need you, please, Jamie, it’s Regulus… Jamie, help me, please.’

He felt strong arms wrap around his shoulders and heard James’ soft voice filter through the screaming in his head. ‘Shh, Padfoot, you’re okay. Regulus is gone, I’m sorry. But you’re here with me and you’re safe. Remus is in A&E he’s going to be okay. Shh, Siri, it’s okay, you’re safe. You’re safe.’

His breath slowed and he could feel some life returning to his body, the fog in his head clearing. He hugged James tighter than he ever had before, tears streaming down his face. The girls looked worried near them but said nothing as they sat around James and Sirius in the wating room, Marlene and Dorcas clutching on to each other. They sat together quietly for what felt like hours, each one of them praying to whichever God they believed in, Sirius praying to all of them, just to make certain Remus would be okay. Peter arrived soon after they did, having skipped his lecture and packed a bag for Remus. He sat with them in stony silence, staring at the ground as they waited for any news.

* * *

Sirius stood first as the nurse called Remus’ name into the quiet waiting room. The seven friends burst into questions about Remus, the panic clear in their voices.

‘Alright, alright, be quiet please, or I’ll have to ask some of you to leave,’ she said sternly, and they all shut up. ‘He’s conscious, but we’re going to keep him in overnight. We’d like him to speak to a few people before he leaves.’ She rattled on about tests and things Sirius didn’t understand, but he kept listening. ‘You won’t all be able to see him at once, mind. He’s been muttering something about a Padfoot, a Prongs and a Wormtail, do any of you have any idea what this means?’

‘That’s us,’ James cleared his throat and motioned to Peter and Sirius beside him.

‘Right, well, I suppose you can all come in then, if he’s asked for you specifically,’ she told them the room number and ward, before nodding curtly and leaving them to it.

Marlene sensed the tension surrounding the boys and brought them all in for a group hug. ‘He’s going to be okay; he’ll be fine. Go and see our boy then lads.’ The girls sat back down, and Sirius, James and Peter headed towards Remus’ ward.

* * *

**Friday 2 nd October**

James left early to go and pick up Remus from hospital with Sirius in tow. They were both exhausted. The girls had come over the night before – no one could sleep from worry, so they sat up all night trying to distract themselves with repeats of Friends playing through the evening. James didn’t even have the energy to chastise Sirius for smoking in his car, just put the window down and asked for his own cigarette. They had no idea what state Remus would be in today and drove in silence through town.

Parking close outside the hospital, they stalled for a moment, trying to find their last shreds of courage to go inside.

‘Suppose we ought to get this over with,’ Sirius joked, but James could hear the fear coursing through his words.

They walked solemnly through the doors of A&E and spotted Remus at the front desk, hunched over some paperwork. He looked up as they walked in, and immediately averted his gaze guiltily. James gave a quick squeeze on Sirius’ arm and went to talk to the nurse from the day before. Sirius could feel his legs shaking as he walked up to Remus.

‘Hey, Moony,’ he said quietly, smiling gently at his best friend.

‘Sirius, hi, um…’ Remus looked down, his hand going to the back of his neck awkwardly. Sirius noted how small he looked, despite Remus towering a good 5 inches above him. He looked sad; his tawny curls were scruffy and tangled, and his soft golden eyes seemed dull. Sirius kicked himself inwardly for not having noticed the patterns of depression he was all too familiar with – he’d spent a long time in their first year of university drinking away his problems, getting with anyone he could on a night out simply to be close to someone, drawing himself away from his friends. God knows how long James had spent trying to make Sirius confront his feelings and get better, and now Sirius could barely notice the same issues in his best friend.

Within an instant, he had wrapped his arms around Remus’ neck, and felt such a surge of love and protectiveness.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Remus whispered over and over into the crook of Sirius’ neck, crying gently in his strong arms.

‘Alright, alright,’ Sirius attempted a laugh, stroking Remus’ back softly. ‘Let’s get you home, and maybe with a cup of tea in you, you’ll stop all this silly apologising.’ He pulled away, wiping Remus' tears away, and Remus grabbed for his hand, holding on for life. ‘Alright then Prongsie,’ he called over to James, deep in conversation with the nurse, ‘let’s head, yeah? Oh, bloody hell, he’s probably too busy practicing his flirting for Lily.’

Remus laughed half-heartedly, but Sirius saw a small smile creeping over his face.

‘Yeah, like you can talk, Padfoot,’ James called back, walking over to them. ‘I’m not the one who’s been mooning over Re-’ He broke off when he realised what he was saying.

‘Been mooning over who now Pads?’ Remus smirked – clearly, he hadn’t lost his sense of humour. ‘Hope it’s not James’ ugly mug that’s caught your fancy.’

‘Nah, it’s Wormy,’ James chuckled at the horror etched on Sirius’ face. ‘Can’t keep those two love birds apart!’ Sirius looked about ready for the ground to swallow him up. ‘Let’s get a move on, eh? Don’t wanna hang around here all morning.’

‘Piss off, you wanker,’ Sirius grumbled uncomfortably at James, and nearly dragged Remus out to the car, their hands still clutched together, James laughing behind them.

* * *

For the second time in a month, Remus was terrified to go home. He didn’t know if he could cope with the questions he knew would be coming his way. He just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep all weekend. He knew, however, James would be having none of that. Remus was sure James would be watching him like a hawk – making sure he ate three good meals a day, making sure he came out for a walk with him every afternoon, making sure he was never alone. Luckily, he knew James would be busy with lectures after the weekend, so he’d be passed around the rest of his friends for ‘some company’, an obvious ploy to keep him occupied.

Stepping inside the house that morning felt different. Finally, Remus knew how much he’d been hurting. He’d pushed his friends away, refusing to accept any sort of help he knew he could have had. He’d drunk and smoked and slept away his pain. He was exhausted. He didn’t think he had ever or ever would again feel this emotionally and physically worn out, like he had been worn down to the bone. He made a beeline for the kettle, pointedly ignoring the looks James and Sirius gave him.

‘Tea, guys?’ he asked, attempting nonchalance, but he knew they saw right through him. Sighing, and reaching for a couple of mugs in the cupboard, he turned and looked at them wearily. ‘Really, boys, I’m fine. Well, I’m not,’ he chuckled, ‘but I will be. I’m going to stop drinking… maybe… for at least like a week or two.’ James and Sirius tried to interrupt, but Remus waved them off. ‘Seriously – shut up Pads – I know neither of you are going to just drop this, but can I just pretend to be normal for one afternoon? Then feel free to interrogate me all you like. But right now, tea?’

They spent the afternoon in apparent normality. Peter joined them for a few games of FIFA, but scuttled back to his room, as if afraid to be around Remus. Lily and Mary dropped by for a cup of tea at around four, to see how Remus was, pleased he was home. James left for a run before dinner, so Remus and Sirius sat together on the sofa in comfortable silence, Sirius’ feet in the other boy’s lap as usual. Remus nearly laughed out loud at the panic on Sirius’ face when he stood up but thought better than to mock his best friend.

‘Where are you going?’ he demanded, looking up at Remus from the sofa.

‘Just to get a book,’ Remus smiled. ‘Need to catch up on all that work I couldn’t be bothered with the past month. Don’t worry, it’s not like I’m gonna go and hang myself from my tie!’ he laughed, but his face fell when he saw the fear in Sirius’ eyes.

‘Re, what the fuck?’ he nearly shouted. ‘I can’t-’

‘Shit sorry that was an awful joke,’ he sat back down and took Sirius’ hands in his. ‘Really, Pads, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. I’ve got you, and James, and the girls… and Pete, I guess, but you know what he’s like. I promise you, if I ever feel like that, you’ll be the first to know. But right now, I am just going to get a book. If you’re really that worried about me, you can come with me, but I’ll be back in a minute.’

Sirius let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, relieved to see that Remus really did come back a minute later. He moved closer to Remus as he sat back down, butterflies swooping in his stomach at the touch of Remus’ arms across his shoulders. They sat comfortably together for a while, Remus quietly reading and Sirius working on some music curled beside him. Their closeness felt different. Sirius was reminded of their first night back, gently holding hands and tangled together in bed, and turned to look at Remus.

‘Moons?’ he asked cautiously into the quiet.

‘Hmm?’

‘I need to tell you something,’ he carried on.

Remus put down his book, sensing the hesitation in his voice and looked down at Sirius. ‘What’s up? Are you okay?’

Sirius swallowed and took a deep breath. ‘I’m queer, Re.’

It took all of Remus’ strength not to burst out laughing. He pulled Sirius hands into his, shaking slightly from repressed giggles. ‘I know, Pads, we all know. I’m the gayest they come; do you think I didn’t notice?’

‘Don’t laugh at me, I’m baring my soul to you!’ Sirius cried indignantly but was struggling to hold back the laughter himself. Soon enough, they were cackling and wiping tears from their eyes, and Remus felt better than he had in weeks.

‘Oi oi, what have I missed?’ James clambered over them on the sofa coming back from his run.

‘Hey, get off you sweaty freak,’ Sirius yelped, still giggling with Remus. ‘All I fucking said was I’m queer!’

James threw his head back laughing, ‘Sirius, I’ve known that since we were eleven! I mean, thanks for finally growing some balls and telling us, but thank you for trusting us enough. Come here, let’s have a sweaty little cuddle!’

He tackled Sirius and Remus into the back of the sofa, ignoring their cries of disgust at his post-run stench.

‘It’s really not a problem, then?’ Sirius asked once they’d all calmed down, and James had extracted himself to shower.

‘Of course not, Pads,’ Remus said kindly. ‘Do you really think James would have put up with me for this long if he thought it was a problem that I liked dick?’

‘Mate, you’re my brother,’ James looked at him. ‘Nothing is gonna change how much I love you, I don’t care if you like boys, girls or you’re only interested in fucking Professor McGonagall from Maths in sixth form. Really, though, thanks for actually telling me, Padfoot.’

James left to shower, and Sirius and Remus were left alone again.

‘Did you really think I didn’t know?’ Remus asked, a hint of uncertainty. ‘Or that it would bother me?’

Sirius shifted slightly next to him, and looked at his hands, which had somehow found their way back to Remus’. ‘I don’t know that I thought it would bother you, maybe just change things. And I don’t know, maybe I did know you knew. I have no idea how Prongs knew for so long, I didn’t even know until a few months ago… thanks for being so cool about it, anyhow.’

‘Well, I reckon I’d be a bit of a fucking hypocrite if I wasn’t cool about it,’ Remus chuckled, and pulled Sirius into another big hug. He steadfastly ignored the fluttering in his chest, knowing how badly things could end up if he admitted his feelings to Sirius.

James made a delicious curry for dinner, and they joked and laughed like normal, watching a film on the sofa with the girls. Remus could feel himself drifting off after the dramatics of the previous day, and Sirius took him upstairs, getting into bed next to him without a second thought. They slept more soundly than they both had in weeks, nobody questioning them sharing a bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus' Welsh:
> 
> Mae’n ddrwg gen i, Mam, rydw i’n dy golli di, mae’n ddrwg gen I, mae’n ddrwg gen i…: I'm sorry, Mum, I miss you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
> 
> Hope you're all alright, the world is pretty shit atm, but I hope you're finding the good things to laugh about still :)


End file.
